- It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
- If you're going through hell, don't stop.
- I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
- As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
- Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
- Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
- The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
- I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
- Teacher: "What do you call someone who keeps talking when nobody is
listening any more?"
Johnny: "A Teacher."
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
- Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- All paths to perfection start by going the wrong way.
- My karma just ran over your dogma!
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- What does Mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
- What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- All generalizations are false, including this one.
- If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
- Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
- Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
- When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
- Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank
- How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
- Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?