Signs from England
- Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
- Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
- In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
- Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
- In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
- On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.
PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
- Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
- Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN
CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
- Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH. IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
- Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
- Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.
- Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
- Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS
WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD
TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
- Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS
WILL BE DISPOSED OF
- Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY
NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
- Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
- Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
- Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE
IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
- Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES. RUNNING ACROSS THIS FIELD TAKES A
MAN 12 SECONDS, BULL DOES IT IN 10.
- Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO
- Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
- Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
- On a tattoo parlour:
TATTOOS WHILE YOU WAIT
Signs found on real businesses
- Sign on an electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.
- Maternity Clothes Shop:
We are open on labor day.
- Non-smoking area:
If we see you smoking we will assume you
on fire and take appropriate action.
- On a Maternity Room Door:
Push, Push, Push
- On a Front Door:
Everyone on the premises is a
vegetarian except the dog.
- Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place.
- Scientist's Door:
- Taxidermist Window:
We really know our stuff.
- Podiatrist's Window:
Time wounds all heels.
- Butcher's window:
Let me meat your needs.
- Used Car Lot:
Second Hand cars in first crash condition
- Sign on Fence:
Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
- Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your
feet - miss a car payment.
- Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
"Help!" We need inn - experienced people.
- Butcher's Window:
Pleased to meat you.
- Auto Body Shop:
May we have the next dents?
- Sign in an office:
We shoot every 3rd salesman, and
the 2nd one just left.
- Veterinarians Waiting Room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
- The Electric Company:
We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
- Beauty Shop:
- Garbage Truck:
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Computer Store:
Out for a quick byte
- Diner Window:
Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and
get fed up.
- Bowling Alley:
Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want.
- Music Library:
Bach in a minuet.
- Funeral Home:
Drive carefully, we'll wait.