unselfconsciously self conscious
lost among feelings I do not control
ashamed to admit I too might believe in god
but prayer keeps working for me

as I learn more about myself
I learn why I do what I do
but not, not yet maybe, how
to do what I want to do

clear head from thick humid mountain air
clear thinking and feeling
from roasting in the sun too long
being lost in the jungle brings clarity and pain

fear is still there
self-abuse mental unceasing continues
courage to admit
how amazingly much conflict I have about it all

which is why prayer seems to work
I can let go and let someone else
who I trust
guide my feet, my hand on the wheel

fantasy is a great way to deal with conflict
makes me powerful as a prince with a dragon
makes me strong in the realm of the mind
kills me in real life, where things are less beautiful

learning to live in the present
trying to appreciate the glorious sunset
pink clouds fading to orange fading to sea
I can praise it for someone else, but not enjoy

lost in a whirlwind of more than I can do
I keep running in circles, looking for my tail
I'm not a cat, I have no tail
I have the feelings of a cat, and a lizard, and me

none of them under my control
so instead I ramble
as if some of it
was supposed to make sense

sexual feelings for strangers I've never met
obligation to friends who don't hold me to it
fear of anger, not being loved
inadequate unless I meet my impossible standards

why can't I have peace with myself as I am
why must I ask why for the things I don't like
who is responsible for this mess, and why must I clean it up
and the answer is, I don't

the answer is, I don't
I am free like the wind, free like jail
free to chase my musts and shoulds
free to give myself away for free

or free not to
free to love myself as I am
and you as you are
when I can